The shadow side of doing the work.
It is entirely possible to believe you’re doing the work, but still be motivated at the core by pain and the desire to feel better.
One of the core pillars of doing the work is the requirement of self-responsibility.
You have to be willing to take responsibility for the place you now find yourself as a grown adult.
But, so often responsibility is activated in its shadow side when it’s peppered with just enough awareness to be dangerous.
It turns into the grandest journey of self-fixing there is, which is actually the opposite of doing the work.
I want to go back a few steps here to really flesh this out.
As you move along the path of self-awakening, you bump against the fact that other people are not on the path with you (side note: they actually are, just not in a form you desire).
You may feel very resentful and angry about this at times, because you want those other people to wake up so that you can.
Even when those people are dead.
It’s very hard to wake up the dead so that you can live.
This is very true of women and their mothers. We want the mother to do the work to make our work easier. We can feel angry that they didn’t do the work in the past, and now we have to suffer by becoming even further away from them.
Along the path of awakening (particularly on this topic of wishing the other would change) you can also bump against another reality.
How did I come to find all the information I have, and why do others not find it, even when they seek answers?
Insert: How come I found truth when I looked for it, but my mother didn’t?
Why did I find tools and classes and teachers to awaken me, and she only found shrinks and pills?
This is where the notion of self-responsibility usually comes into play.
Did I learn the concept of self-responsibility earlier than the other person (than my mother)?
This question is relevant because most people in this situation believe their mother is not self responsible.
In this case, we are the ones that typically define what self responsibility means and measure others against it.
What I learned about self responsibility however, lead me to the shadow side of the work. I learned the pattern of self-blame along with the pattern self-responsibility.
I learned that I was a complex web of relationships within me, and that I was the creator of the new circumstances in my life.
As powerful as that is, it can turn into always having the need to fix something.
This is the conundrum of the spiritual path.
Knowing that you participate in all your circumstances. Turning that into a wrongness inside you that needs fixing is another story.
The other conundrum of the spiritual path is the knowledge there will never come a time when the work will end.
There is a part within you that believes there will be an end. It is the part that wants all the problems to go away.
It is the part that doesn’t realise that no matter what you do, how much you talk about things, or how many practices you do, this path will not stop.
There are thresholds, that is for sure. Every time you go through a bigger portal of Truth, there is a lot to alchemise.
This typically happens when are ready to deal with major patterns in your life; relationships, business, money, sexuality, focusing on your childhood patterns, etc.
Sometimes it happens spontaneously when you learn really big concepts all at once and it re-wires your perception in a way that can never be the same again.
These spontaneous moments happen less frequently in a large way, but they continue in smaller ways spread out over time as a result of your everyday devotion to the work.
One of my first teachers Des Hamilton, taught me that all experiences in a human were the result of a particular disturbance in their individual spiritual or energetic fabric. So, the fact that a person has pain in their left knee, a fear of thieves breaking into the house, digestive disturbances during their menstrual cycle, and a recurrent desire to eat chalk was all a product of the same loop. This gave me the foundation to stop looking at particulars and to look at the whole.
This information as simple as it may seem, changed my life irrevocably because I suddenly saw the interconnected nature of everything on a much bigger scale in ways that may not be evident here.
I also had a very large awakening after spending a full week and many more hours besides, with Dr John DeMartini. Again, my perceptions on how the fabric of life comes together changed my level of everyday awareness forever.
What these big awakenings do is force you into daily practice, because there becomes no other option. You cannot hide from yourself, and you cannot tolerate going unconscious.
Inside the daily work, sometimes there is still stuckness, and at other times the tiny one-liner shifts that happen wake you up further, because their depth is magnified by the original depth already created.
Now, if throughout this process you are still in a loop of doing the work to get rid of things, to get to a particular place that will somehow be better than here, or to take away the parts of yourself you are not in approval of – then we miss the whole thing. We have spiritual work that is created on the backbone of denial and shame.
This is the other pole, or the shadow aspect of the work.
The work in a literal sense, is the active process of living. To actively participate in the removal of everything that is not the true. It is to know what love actually is, which is the integration of pieces that lead you to the experience of love inside your body.
It is not the work we do to be somewhere other than here.
It is not done to create love for ourselves because we think we have none.
It is not done to heal ourselves or to stop feeling pain (for the things that are untrue anyway).
You see, most of the time when we think we need healing – it is because we want liberation from the stories we tell ourselves that are not true.
We want freedom from the pain that our rumination on these stories causes.
We want to believe that all the circumstances in those stories can be re-written.
That people will tell us they’re sorry.
That people will suddenly change to become the people our child-self needed.
We deeply want the conclusions we have made about ourselves and our lives to disappear.
We want to let go of it all.
It is true – there are parts of this process where you do need to re-wire what has happened in your body.
There will be places in your nervous system and in your body overall that needs some kind of alchemisation.
However, and it is a big however, we can never get liberation from a fundamental belief that is untrue, when we assign the power of changing that belief to someone else.
When we do not stop to look at the fact that it is the belief itself that is causing the pain.
Again, a very common expression of this lives inside people’s relationship to their mother.
However, you can change mother to anything else that serves you.
In a huge percentage of the hundreds of clients I have worked with over 20 years, there is a core belief that says:
If my mother was different, I would not have the life I have now.
I would have a different life.
I would love myself more.
Many of these people are still waiting for their mother to tell them they are right.
To tell them they’re sorry.
And the day doesn’t come.
And their mother dies.
The work here is not around learning how to develop a relationship with your mother so she can give you what you need.
It is in unbinding your mother’s actions from the conclusions you have made about them.
It is also about seeing things inside your mother’s actions that are currently hidden from you.
They are hidden from you because of the pattern your mind has developed in defining what it believes is the truth.
When the truth can only have one version, one story, one conclusion it cannot be the truth.
This is the first sign that you are stuck in a cycle of self-flagellation.
You are addicted to proving a painful story as true, at the expense of living fully.
More accurately, we become addicted to proving our conclusions about ourselves true, at the expense of fully living. We want validation to such a degree that we are prepared to destroy our lives with eating, drinking, starving, obsessing and numbing out UNTIL someone tells us we are right.
That we indeed do not have the life we desire because of someone else’s actions. And until that person changes our inner story for us, we go into a type of long term suicide attempt to cover up the pain of that belief.
When you are obsessed with needing rectification of someone else’s actions, it means there is a huge component of the truth hidden from your sight.
The work here is not to focus on what you do know, but on what you don’t.
To unbind the single focus of your pain body on an external other, to the uncovering of what lay unexplored and unintegrated within you.
If you are someone that has been stuck in a cycle of blaming others for your emotional state, it is likely you will then turn that blame onto yourself in this process.
Because blame is part of the pattern that needs undoing.
So, the deep work is not in changing and fixing things.
It is the process of examining your life, your patterns and your current circumstances without blaming anyone, including yourself.
Until you take out blame, you cannot take out shame and anger. You cannot take our denial and resentment.
You cannot take out the destructive behaviours of your life.
Until you take out blame, the work will become another destructive behaviour.
It will become another way you try to receive love (by subconsciously trying to get approval for your pain).
But love comes from clarity.
Love comes from truth.
Love IS truth.
Truth is the amalgamation of all the pieces (the polar opposites) that you cannot see.
When this happens, the emotional charge you hold relating to yourself and the other disappears.
Because the mistruth disappears. It is the mistruth that is causing the emotional charge.
We do not seek the truth in order to heal pain.
We do not find the truth by trying to heal pain.
We find truth almost by accident when we merely seek to remove untruths.
We don’t know what the truth really is.
We only find it by examining what is not true.
Anything that causes you emotional pain at an intolerable level, in a way that causes repeat behaviour in your life – is the source of where your untruths live.
All you have to do is find them.
But you have to be willing to look.
You have to be willing to give up the perspective you currently have.
You have to be willing to give up blame.
Your mind will tell you that this is the same as condoning ‘bad behaviour’.
This will be its first line of defence.
It also isn’t the truth.
Changing the way you relate to your life is not the same as condoning bad behaviour.
This is the pain loop.
This is the addiction to what happened in your life.
To what continues to happen.
This is the silent request from the wounded place within you to get love.
But the truth is this, it is more painful to keep your current stories than to change them.
The work will never fight reality.
It will liberate you from living in a reality that is stealing your life.
The number one obstacle to doing the work is yourself.
On using the work to drive an outcome of love.
And that, is also a pattern.
The most confronting thing about this pattern is that the work becomes a stand-in for the love you didn’t receive.
It becomes another way your primary care-take can’t provide for you.
Until you realise, and really realise…
The primary caretaker is you.
It can only ever be you.
Your role on this journey is to care for yourself while you uncover the truth.
Not to care for your pain by trying to fix it through the work.
A 90 day immersive journey to re-write your relationship to yourself, your body, your re-current patterns, addictions, emotional states, your soul work, and yes – your mother. This is the MOTHERSHIP, the foundation for what you truly need to do the work.
March 2021 now open for enrolment.
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