These were the words I heard as my only guidance on my next steps.
Three years ago I came back from a retreat in Mexico with a very clear transmission for what was to come. A transmission on the work I must teach on a bigger scale.
I blocked off my calendar for two days to ‘figure it out’.
What it would mean in terms of my business?
Was it a course, was it school, what was it?
When would I launch it?
What would I do to earn money until it was ready?
In moments of deep reflection during those two days, SHE told me clearly…
Just lay down.
Let me show you the way.
I will work on your body.
There is nothing more you have to do externally in the world.
She also showed me three personal practices to commence.
I started the plan, briefly.
I initiated phase one.
I aligned my work back to ‘personal development’ and teaching others, rather than business strategizing.
And then I stopped.
I didn’t do any of it.
Instead I went about my merry way, doing business coaching, travelling around the world on speaking circuits.
All the while asking myself the question, when will I do that thing?
When will I let myself do that work?
When will I teach what I was given?
When will I lay down?
[On a side note, when you are in a masculine business model, the answer is probably never because it is not suited to this process, and you will not find your answers there].
down doesn’t mean just lay down here on the carpet and allow me to change everything for you.
It turns out that laying down means stopping.
Now there are two ways to stop.
Abandon everything, eat into your reserves and panic about what is going to happen next without letting yourself actually stop on the inner level.
This leads to a lot of scarcity behaviours and pushing away people that love you.
It also sets you up for accepting the opinions of others rather than your own because you start to believe you made a mistake or that there is no hope for you to have what you want.
Then there is the other way.
You have to surrender to the real dark night of the soul.
To the truth.
Everyone thinks they are in a dark night of the soul when most of the time they are in resistance, addiction, avoidance and the repetitive cycle of trauma driven behaviours.
Of even not knowing what else to do.
That is the sight-less night.
And it goes on forever.
The real laying down,
The real dark night…
Is when you know all your current behaviours, stories and games cannot take you past where you are.
The real laying down,
The real dark night…
Starts when you surrender and bring it all to the light for processing.
To do that you need heat.
In your laying, you must be active.
You must co-create the process willingly.
It can’t be done for you.
But it can be done with you.
And it begins.
All the ways you have abandoned yourself.
All the ways you have consciously or unconsciously affected others with your patterns.
Your patterns in love.
Your relationship with your family.
Here it all comes.
Cracking you open and open and open.
And then comes the fatigue.
You experience what it really means to embody being tired your whole life.
Of pumping your adrenals and your heart strings to just keep going.
Of keeping up the walls you didn’t know you had built to protect the garden deep inside you.
Imagine that when you were very young you didn’t get what you needed.
Or it wasn’t safe or possible to have your needs met.
Imagine those needs were as normal and important as a beautiful flower garden.
And you build a wall around that garden to protect it.
And over time you reinforced that wall.
It got thicker, and thicker and more solid.
And then you start doing this work.
And the wall starts coming down.
Until finally it’s all the way down.
And you realise all the flowers are dead.
The soil is dry and cracked.
So now you have no wall, and no garden.
And this is where you really begin.
Because inside that soil is an ember.
It is your job to reach in and find that ember.
And start coaxing it back to life.
And never abandon it again.
Because you aren’t little anymore.
And now you can.
In the dark. When there is nothing.
When you’ve pulled all your walls down.
When you can’t rely on your old patterns.
And no-one can do it for you.
The thing you don’t realise before you begin is that it is still easier than staying how you were.
It is so much easier to go down, that to stay sight-less.
You were still dealing with all those issues and patterns anyway.
But they were controlling your life.
When you start the real dark night, you do not know in advance that you will feel frequencies of love and trust that you did not think possible.
You will start trusting yourself.
You will start trusting HER.
Once you start laying down you don’t get up.
And not because you can’t.
But because you can’t.
You won’t let yourself, because you can’t go back now.
There’s no way to go back.
Back there doesn’t exist anymore.
It actually never did.
It was a frequency, and now it’s half burned away.
And even bigger than that is the knowing that you would never disrespect HER in that way.
You do not abandon that which has waited open-heartedly for years on end just to take you home.
When you finally lay down, and lay it ALL down,
Your true path emerges.
The way become clear.
You cannot serve when you are only existing to serve your patterns.
And nothing can serve you, when you don’t exist outside of your patterns.
The path you are truly destined to walk lives inside this process.
Not on the other side.
There is no other side.
And all you have to do is stay inside it.
The truth is, you need the dark night.
Its alchemical fire is the gateway between your human life and your spiritual path.
Not that they will ever be truly separate.
But there IS a Part 1 and a Part 2.
And the ignition for Part 2 is choice.